


With All That I Wish I Could Say

by Eternal Scribe (Shadowcat)



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Bilbo Has Issues, Bilbo belongs in Erebor, Bilbo is lonely, Canonical Character Death, Dain sent Dwalin to bring Bilbo home, Dáin is awesome, Gen, These are still Bilbo's dwarves, bilbo is family, somewhat canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 03:06:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8354479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcat/pseuds/Eternal%20Scribe
Summary: Hobbits don’t have a word for a love that lasts forever. They don’t have a word that means their perfect mate, their perfect match.They don’t have a word or phrase that means anything like that, but it doesn’t mean that some of them don’t have those feelings.It didn’t mean that Bilbo Baggins didn’t suffer every day.





	

Hobbits don’t have a word for a love that lasts forever. They don’t have a word that means their perfect mate, their perfect match. They don’t have a word that means that one person is the one that they are meant to be with or the only one that they will ever love.

They don’t have a word or phrase that means anything like that, but it doesn’t mean that some of them don’t have those feelings.

It didn’t mean that _he_ had never experienced that feeling or that loss when the one he loved was taken from him before he had been able to tell him how much he cared. It didn’t mean that sometimes it wasn’t a struggle to simply get through one day to another when the grief rose up and did it’s best to smother him.

It didn’t mean that there weren’t nights where he spent all night locked up in bedroom while he shed more tears than he could believe he had left.

It didn’t mean that Bilbo Baggins didn’t suffer every day from the loss of the closest thing he had had to a family for a very long time.

He thought it was the best decision when he left Erebor after the funerals. He thought it would be too hard to be there after the deaths of Thorin, Fili and Kili.

Fili and Kili who had been far too young to die on a bloody battlefield far from the safety of their home in the Blue Mountains. Who even though they had more years than he had, were actually quite young in his eyes. They were like children that he knew and he would have given anything to have been able to keep them safe and alive. They deserved much more.

And Thorin.

Maker he would have given just as much if he would have been able to save Thorin’s life from Azog. He hated himself for arriving too late to prevent the wound that pierced Thorin’s chest and stole him away from everyone that loved him.

The wound that stole him away from Bilbo.

Oh, Bilbo didn’t believe for one moment that Thorin would have ever returned the feelings that he had for the dwarven king. However, if they would have been able to repair their friendship and keep close to each other, he would have been content with that. He would have had a best friend. A companion. A brother. Someone that he could love in secret and take care of.

It would have been a kind of life that would have offered him contentment because he would have been there with friends to take care of the family that he had come to think of as his own. After all, he would have seen Fili and Kili as sons or nephews or some other young tweens that would have needed care.

All those dreams were gone now and he sat alone, night after night in the smial that he had once thought he wanted to return to more than anything. Night after night he woke from dreams of the king and his princes, but also of the other dwarves he had left behind. The little company he had so often called _his dwarves_ and who he would have done anything for -- and had done quite a lot more than he ever expected to.

Three of his chosen family were dead, but there were ten more that he had left behind on his own. He had made the decision to walk away and now that decision haunted him more than he had foreseen that it would.

He was more alone in the Shire than he had ever been and he didn’t know how he would ever adjust to that feeling. Here he was now Mad Baggins who had lost all manner of respectability from running off to adventure. Oh, a few hobbits still associated with him like the Gamgees and Drogo and Primula, but for the most part, he was left on his own.

It was so dreadfully lonely.

Bilbo went to bed after his last pipe as usual and as had been happening far too often as of late, he found himself waking up far too soon with tears on his face. He didn’t have time to do more than sit up and dry his face off when he heard a strong knock at his door.

In confusion, he didn’t even grab his robe as he shuffled to the door. He was past caring about how he looked this late at night. Anyone knocking on his door at such a late hour would just have to accept how he was dressed or halfway dressed, as it happened to be.

When he swung open the door, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or to start crying anew at the ones standing there.

“Hello, laddie,” Dwalin said, bowing his head slightly. He gestured to Bofur and Nori who were standing with him and they gave their hobbit sad smiles. “We’re here to bring you home.”

Bilbo stared at them and then stepped aside so that his three friends could enter the smial and he closed the door. “Home?” He flushed a little at how his voice cracked.

“We should never have let you leave Erebor, Bilbo,” Bofur said sadly. “You belonged there, with us. You’re Company, but more importantly, you’re family.”

“But I’m not a dwarf and you’re new king --”

“Dain actually was the one that finally sent us to bring you home,” Dwalin explained. “He wanted to know why we left you to return to your old life alone to begin with.”

“He said that we should have had the sense to take better care of you than we did… and he’s correct in that, Bilbo,” Nori admitted. “For that, we are sorry.”

“W-what?” Bilbo shook his head. “You have nothing to apologize for, my friends. You did nothing wrong.”

“But we did, Bilbo,” Bofur corrected. “We let our own grief blind us to your pain. That was wrong of us.” He gave him a faint smile. “Your grandfather sent a message to Dain to come fetch you before you let yourself be blown away on a strong wind.”

Dwalin shook his head. “You haven’t been eating properly, Bilbo, but Bombur will make sure to get you back to yourself in no time.”

Bilbo sat down heavily in the nearest chair. “You came to get me.” He sniffled. “You came to get me.”

“Yes, we did, laddie,” Dwalin said softly. “I’m just sorry that it took us so long to do so. We’ll stay for as long as it takes for you to pack up what you want to bring with you, Bilbo. We just want you to come home with us.” He smiled and it was one of those smiles that Bilbo knew were reserved for people that Dwalin felt very close to. “Where you belong.”


End file.
